Noah, a free Christian clown skit courtesy of Clowns for Christ
Parts: Narrator, Noah, God, Neighbor
Narrator: We write most of our Bible stories ourselves, but this one we had some help with. We would like to thank Bill Cosby for his unwitting help. This is the story of Noah, adapted by Bill Cosby and then adapted even further by us. (Editor’s note: Bill Cosby’s original routine is available from Amazon.com on his “Right!” album)
(Noah enters, and begins working in his garden, digging)
God: (standing on a chair behind Noah, he rings a bell once) NOAH.
Noah: (Looks up) Is someone calling me? (Shrugs and goes back to his work)
God: (Ding) NOAH!!
Noah: Who is that?
God: It’s the Lord, Noah.
Noah: Right … Where are ya? What do ya want? I’ve been good.
God: I want you to build an ark.
Noah: Right … What’s an ark?
God: Get some wood and build it 300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.
Noah: Right … What’s a cubit?
God: Well never mind. Don’t worry about that right now. After you build the ark, I want you to go out into the world and collect all the animals of the world, two by two, male and female, and put them into the ark.
Noah: Right … Who is this really? What’s going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?
God: I’m going to destroy the world.
Noah: Right … Am I on Candid Camera? How are you gonna do it?
God: I’m going to make it rain for a thousand days and drown them right out.
Noah: Right … Listen, do this and you’ll save water. Let it rain for forty days and forty nights and wait for the sewers to back up.
God: Right…
Narrator: So Noah began to build the ark. Of course his neighbors were not too happy about it. Can you imagine leaving for the office at 7 AM and seeing an ark?
Neighbor: (enters whistling, with brief case) Hey! You over there.
Noah: What do you want?
Neighbor: What is this thing?
Noah: It’s an ark.
Neighbor: Uh huh, well you want to get it out of my driveway? I’ve gotta get to work. Hey listen, what’s this thing for anyway?
Noah: I can’t tell you, ha ha ha.
Neighbor: Can’t you even give me a little hint?
Noah: You want a hint?
Neighbor: Yes, please.
Noah: Well, how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Neighbor: There’s one in every neighborhood. (Shakes head and leaves)
Narrator: Well Noah finally got the ark built. Then he had the task of gathering all the animals two by two.
Noah: Hey, anybody know how to tell the difference between a male and a female mosquito? (Looking in a box) I told your rabbits before, only two! (He puts box in boat) Whew, finally the last two animals are on board. Let’s get this thing closed up before God asks me to do something else. I’m six hundred years old. I am getting too old for this sort of thing.
God: Noah!
Noah: I knew it. What do you want now?
God: You’re going to have to take one of those hippos off and get another one.
Noah: Why?
God: ‘Cause you got two males. You need a female.
Noah: I’m too tired to bring anything else on board. You change one of them.
God: Come on, you know I don’t work like that.
Noah: But I’m sick and tired of this. I’ve been working all day every day like crazy for months now, dawn to dusk. I’m tired of this.
God: Noah
Noah: Yeah?
God: how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Noah: Yeah, well I got news for you. You keep talking about this flood and I haven’t seen a drop of rain. Meanwhile, the whole neighborhood is making fun of me. I told one of my friends I’d been talking to the Lord and he laughed so hard he wet his pants. Do you know I’m the only guy in town with an ark in his yard? People are picketing and calling the health department, strangers walk up to me and say “How’s it going, Tarzan?” I am sick and tired of all of this, you let me get a pregnant elephant . . . Do you give me an instruction book? . . . No!!! Here I am standing under the elephant and brrrrrrrrump! Right on top of me! I’m telling you, I’ve had enough. You’re supposed to see all and know all, well have you seen the bottom of that ark? Who’s going to clean up that mess? Not me, I tell you. I quit. I’m tired of this. I’m going to let the animals out and burn that ark down. I can’t believe you made me do all this . . .
(God takes a watering can and begins to pour water on Noah’s head)
Noah: (continues) I can’t believe the mess you got me in and . . . and . . . it’s raining . . . This isn’t just a shower is it? OK. All right, it’s me and you Lord, me and you all the way. I’m with you Lord. Whatever you say….