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W.C. Fields Quotes

W.C. Fields Quotes – W. C. Fields, in addition to a legacy of legendary films (such as The Bank DickNever Give a Sucker an Even Break, and You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man), had a legendary sense of humor.  On and off set, he remained in character, and was famous for his many quips and retorts .

  • “’Twas a woman drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.”
  • “I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
  • When asked why he never drank water: “I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.”
  • When asked what he would like his epitaph to read: “on the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia”
  • (When asked whether he liked children) “Ah yes…boiled or fried.”
  • (When “caught” reading a Bible) “Just looking for loopholes.”
  • “Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?”
  • “I like, in an audience, the fellow who roars continuously at the troubles of the character I am portraying on the stage, but he probably has a mean streak in him and, if I needed ten dollars, he’d be the last person I’d call upon. I’d go first to the old lady and old gentleman back in Row S who keep wondering what there is to laugh at.”
  • “Horse sense is what a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
  • “What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?”
  • “What fiend put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?”
  • “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.”
  • “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
  • “Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
  • “What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.”
  • “Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.”
  • “Children should neither be seen nor heard from…ever again.”
  • (looking back on his life) “You know, I’d like to see how I would’ve made out without liquor.”
  • “I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”
  • “The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.”
  • “Start every day with a smile, and get it over with.”
  • “I remember Shakespeare’s words because he was a great writer. I can’t remember Hollywood lines; just as I may well recall a wonderful meal at Delmonico’s many years ago, but not the contents of the garbage pail last Tuesday at Joe’s Fountain Grill.”
  • “Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn’t like to own one.”
  • (on reading the Bible) I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots…but I found only a pack of wild lies.
  • A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
  • Marriage is better than leprosy, because it’s easier to get rid of.
  • More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
  • There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
  • (About comedian Bert Williams) “He was the funniest man I ever saw, and the saddest man I ever knew.”
  • On Chaplin: “He’s the best ballet dancer in the World.”
  • “Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.”
  • “I gargle with whiskey several times a day, and I haven’t had a cold in years.”
  • “The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.”
  • “After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.”
  • “The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”


Computer nerd by day, professional clown on evenings and weekends (Raynbow), who combines the two by maintaining a bunch of websites dedicated to the history and performances of clowning, such as Free Clown Skits, and comedy such as Best Clean Funny Jokes.

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